In memory of...

WARNING:  This is going to be a very emotional and personal post.   Do not continue if you are not up to it.

RIP...

Today, I was inspired to write about loss and certain things in light of an event that happened today.

I can not tell you how many people have come into my life that I have loved and lost.. More than I ever really care to admit at my young age of only 20 years old, but there is really nothing I can do about it.. I have seen precious loved ones suffer through painful cancer treatments, never ending hospital stays, and the breakdowns of families at the tragic loss of their loved ones.  I have heard stories of suicide and even read suicide notes of beloved members of my family.. It is one of the most devastating things I have ever witnessed..

 This is very difficult to write about but I feel it is important for someone to get off of their chest because talking about these sorts of events really helps to take a weight off your shoulders.. (trust me, it may not seem like it, but it really does help unimaginable amounts..)

Despite the difficulties, this is how I chose to deal with those losses:

I have lost all my grandparents, and several aunts and uncles.  several people died before i was ever able to meet them which i find really regrettable.  my mom tells me all the time how much i was like my grandfather and how he would have loved to take me out to lunch when i was younger and just watch me be ridiculous (i was quite the funny singer when i was younger.. ie. theres a bathroom on the right belted into a hairbrush instead of the proper lyrics of theres a bad moon on the rise..)   Also, my aunt nancy.  I would have loved to have met her..

When I lost my nanny (my moms mom..) it took a long time to really acknowledge that they were in a better place and they were no longer in any pain.  When i finally started to convince myself that this was true, it helped me to focus on how precious their lives were and how thankful i was to have them in my life.. how lucky i was to be a part of theirs..  I know they were no longer suffering the awful pain they were feeling in those last minutes, and thats how I sleep at night.

It took me a long time to really trust and love people because of all the death i have seen in my life.  Not even just death at all, but the loss of people close to me.  I have had many important people come into my life and leave without a trace.  Its extremely difficult to deal with and makes it nearly impossible to trust others to enter the realm of my world.  How do you place trust in people when you think everyone who is ever going to be important to you is going to leave?

 I really dont think i am the only one who has this difficulty keeping people around them, or i certainly hope not.  to be so young and experience these things (ie. i was in 3rd grade when my nanny died, my last living grandparent) has always been a hard thing for me to deal with.  Death is not easy, not for anyone, not at any age.

The truth is, we dont get over people dying.  we dont forget people.  We simply need to learn how to refocus our attention on the lives of these people and the happiness they brought to everyone.  We shouldnt forget people to deal with the loss, but think of them in that new light.  If we constantly mourn people, we forget to appreciate the person we all knew and loved.. Do you think that person would really want to see people so sad and depressed a long time after they have passed on?  Probably not.  And we should keep that in mind.. to honor their memory.  Forgetting people isnt the answer.  Its okay to push people out of your mind temporarily, but dont forget people who played an important role in your life at one point.  They most likely helped to make you the person you are today.

the unfortunate truth is that people are going to leave, regardless of how you feel about it.  The truth is, its just life.  People change, people make mistakes, and people pass on.  You can't hold out on the idea that you can't trust people because of what youve experienced, because every person is their own unique individual.  you cant live or go through life thinking that everyone is going to leave you.. its just not a way to live.

It's really true what they say, about needing to live every moment to the fullest.  You have to cherish and appreciate what you have while you have it, because you never know when it will be gone.. It could be there one day and the next... Just simply gone, never to come back.  It may be unexpected, or it may be a long time coming.. either way, it doesnt change the fact that they simply will not come back.

We need to learn from these experiences and life our lives to the best for the people we lose. 

RIP: grandpa.. nanny.. peeper.. nana.. uncle glen.. aunt diane.. uncle ray.. aunt nancy.. uncle jutt..  you are all so very very missed.. i love you all very much and think of you every day<3